Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 23 - The End: We Leave The South, We Do New York, We Zig West, Then South, And West Again. A Hobbit's Tale.

I'll make this quick.

Richmond, VA: Partied all night with the Merciless Souls motorcycle club. Not unlike Judas Priest's "Rock Hard, Ride Free".

Brooklyn, NY: Two nights. Rain and Defense. Rockin' and Sockin'. Dinosaurs and 2 Bit Whores.

Lexington, KY: Always a Classic.

Columbus, OH: Secret cache of O.G. Four Loko. Heaven to some.

Cincinnati, OH: Or Covington, KY, depending on who you ask.

Detroit, MI: There's a good reason its name is often followed by "Rock City". Live video with great sound on our facebook page.

Chicago, IL: Da Bears.

St. Paul, MN: Free Pabst swag. Cool montage of clips from our set on the Pabst facebook page. Wannabe hair metal band, I think.

Des Moines, IA: Playing Six Strings. Housing On Things. Eric Harris Sings. Hogwashings.

Wichita, KS: To be continued....

Amarillo, TX: Strippers.

Albuquerque, NM: Super Giants in the sky, ping pong tables all night (and no, no beer pong), and Jesse Pinkman brought the good shit.

Phoenix, AZ: We stopped here for a night and just had at it. Thanks, DiTina.

L.A., CA: We'll let our good friend Dave Attell sum this one up: "You should have hung out, maaaan." "What happened???" "OHHhhhhh.... 10 minutes after you left. The Dixie Chicks showed up and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 t-shirt got a hand job. And it's never going to happen again."

I hope I didn't forget anything. Then again, maybe I do.

So what did we learn? Ian will never run out of nicknames. The Alamo is a great place for a defensive position against bad times. Huntress is unstoppable. Detroit actually has a lot of money stashed away in it. The south's weather is fantastic in the last half of September. Barack Obama loves ribs in North Carolina. Denver will never stop partying. Some people think trees and rivers are lame, should be covered in cement, and replaced with Wal-Marts and Guitar Centers, and the best time and place to vent such feelings is when driving the van and others are trying to sleep but can't because they're having a laugh attack. Strippers are always the best time killer, c-sections or not. The Megalocerous just might be the First Deer. When comparing two things it's appropriate to say that one is "morer" than the other, but totally wrong to say "morerer". Family is the finest tool you have on the road. Stephen King's The Dark Tower involves lots of naps and man-boy love. Never get out of the fucking boat. Hogwashing is a totally ok way of bathing your junk. If the day does not require an AK, then it is good. Houston has the hottest girls. Stuff should also come out of men's nip nips, don't you think think? Always buy a bottle of bourbon before the show, but don't let Ron Houser know until it's almost all empty. O.G. Four Loko truly tastes far better than white people Four Loko. Don't fill up your laptop with Simpsons and Porn; it will crash. Whipped Cream flavored vodka is delicious. Blue Berry moonshine is delicious. Waffle House isn't alway delicious. Reno wins. L.A. is a dying animal. And Gypsyhawk can pull it together for 40 days and 40 nights without killing each other. At least once.

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